The Hourglass

March 13, 2001

A Publication of the Connecticut Grey Rugby Football Club
Alfredo Linguini, Editor

Things I've learned from the Movies #4:
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

ON THE THEORY OF PRACTICE

With the season looming precariously close, the semi-annual ritual of a practice is scheduled to take place. Once again, the location is the infamous Jon Benet Ramsey field in Wallingford. Good thing, this field is so small that running from one end to the other seems like you've accomplished a 100 yard sprint when in reality it's only about 40 yards. But, anyway, it is a standard now and it is also expected that all the willing and able bodies come out for the usual hour to hour-and-a-half runaround just to show the Cap that we do care about the season at hand. Also, the follow-up blackboard session that usually runs two to three times longer than the field practice will be held at The Old Dublin immediately following the runaround. Just a reminder for some of our group, this is a practice session which generally means running around and possibly getting a little dirty. It is recommended you come prepared to do this and avoid articles of clothing made from denim, shoes that closely resemble a pair of Timberlands and no high heels.

Also, since it is still winter (technically), that white stuff on the ground may still be around. Word is that El Presidente has issued a decree implying the snow will be gone by practice date and the presence of such at this time is no excuse for not being there. The date for practice would also correspond to the real end of winter as predicted by that incontinent, furry oversized rat named Punxsatawny Phil who declared in early February that we only had 6 more weeks of winter. OK, so maybe we won't be wearing swim trunks but I have even odds that there will still be snow on the ground and for all of you who question my predictions – may I remind you of the 100% accuracy during last year's matches! Remember the games that I said would not come off as planned?

SIX NATIONS UPDATE

Italy 22 Ireland 41
Wales 15 England 44
France 16 Scotland 6
Scotland 28 Wales 28
England 80 Italy 23
Ireland 22 France 15

Saturday, March 3
Italy vs France
England vs Scotland
Wales vs Ireland

Saturday, March 17
France vs Wales
Scotland vs Italy

Saturday, March 24
Ireland vs England

Saturday, April 7
Scotland vs Ireland
England vs France

Sunday, April 8
Italy vs Wales

The results of the Grey survey on their choice for the 6 Nations Champion are as follows:

TEAM VOTES

England 10
Ireland 8 (includes the entire West Hartford Irish contingent, Carrs, Connors, O'Brien)
Wales 2 (Lois and Steve Jones)
France 0 (We don't have anyone that lame - or gay)
Italy 1 (Chicky)
Scotland 2
NY Hitmen 2
Scott Hamilton 1

AROUND THE FIELD (Due to the time of year, this section will now be subtitled AROUND THE LIVING ROOM)

Alzheimer's is upon us and this is quite evident with the last issue of The Hourglass that was actually revised soon after its distribution only to have the revision as incorrect as the original edition. My sincere apologies to Jim Facey whom I initially listed as the Captain's Award winner which was incorrect as it was Don Brancard who won the Captain's Award whereas Jim won the Founders' Award. I am so ashamed (and all these words are spelled correctly - Jeff!!!).

And in the spirit of nominating candidates for the 2001 Darwin Awards we have a serious, serious contender from the Far East. The newsline is as follows:

A young Chinese tiger keeper has been mauled to death after apparently trying to defecate on one of his big cats. The 19-year-old appears to have climbed the railings of the Bengal tiger cage and pulled his trousers down. Evidence at the scene of the death at the Jinan animal park included toilet paper, excrement and a trouser belt. Zoo officials think Xu Xiaodong either slipped into the cage or was pulled in by one of the four angry tigers. According to the South China Morning Post, the man told a co-worker he needed to go to the toilet but police were called when he failed to return. They found his body lying on the ground surrounded by tigers. The teenager had reportedly been bitten in the neck and was covered in blood. Police believe Xu climbed the wall of a partially constructed building used to raise the tigers to relieve himself. They said the smell probably caused the tigers to pounce.

Now, after reading this story several times, I still for the life of me can't understand what this guy was thinking. Imagine, this guy wakes up one morning and while having breakfast, a bowl of Rice Krispies, he decides "hey, I think I'll go shit on a tiger today". I have, however, concluded the following: First, this was not a petting zoo. Second, the old adage "Don't poke a sleeping bear" seems to get screwed up when translated to Chinese. Three, he brought along toilet paper like this guy actually though he was going to have time after dumping on the big cat to wipe himself - if he's that confident, he should have brought along a copy of the South China Morning Post to read, better yet, if this is anything like the other stories they print then the toilet paper was redundant. Four, I guess he was a little overconfident after his successful crap on a sleeping poisonous frog the day before. Five, although the Chinese are among the tops in the world in subjects like math, they are at the bottom of the ladder in Animal Behavioral Studies and Zoology. Six, assuming it was actually the smell that did send the awakened cat into a rage, I can only say that when the staple of your diet involves nuc-mac or "fish-oil", I would bet the farm that the smell is really indescribable. Finally, you've got to be kidding me - no witnesses? You decide that you are going to be really brave, climb over a fence and shit on a lion and you don't invite your friends to watch? Still, the question that most intelligent people are asking right now is which came first, the mauling or the pile of shit??? I would bet the ranch that any normal person in the death-grasp of an angry Bengal Tiger would easily dropped their load.

FYI In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing at the San Jose Airport when his approach speed was just a little too fast. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

And, the number one song this week in West Virginia is "I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win."